Carla & Joe’s blog

As I have stated several times… this whole blog business stinks.

Change is in the AIR!!!!

Visit our new blog at www.carlajoe.wordpress.com

See the new post Miles and Smiles…

I had written Things are Crazy almost two weeks ago, really not knowing what to do with it. I guess an easy assumption is to post it. Right? Wrong… Why? Because below, I was afraid that I actually talked about “those days.” Our dark days that seem to follow us wherever we go. Some handle them with such grace I can't imagine, me… I like to think I do, but can be honest with myself and with you. On my days, when I can not get the feeling of sorrow out of the pit of my stomach, when sadness is so overwhelming I could just close my eyes and sink within myself. I struggle… there are so many people who need me to be strong, being me that’s what I do. I act strong for those people who, all the while inside I am falling apart.

This week Heaven came to me in two ways… First a book I want to throw in the trash, but I can’t. It depicts heaven as a place you make for yourself. Each person makes his or her own heaven, good and bad. Which leads me to question… what is Jody’s heaven like? Am I in his heaven? How can a baby that never lived create their surroundings’? Then I though… I must be in his heaven, because as Angelina once said I am all that he ever knew. That each kiss, loving cradle and tear that was shed in his one hour is with him. We are all there…

Second appearance of heaven, which affected me. I was listening to a panel of speakers at our conference. In closing one of the speakers, said once someone had described heaven and hell like this…

In hell people are all sitting around at a table, the table is covered in food where they can eat all their hearts desire. But those people sitting at the table have casts on their arms; they can reach the food, touch it, see it and of course smell it. However those casts that cover their arms cannot bend. So they are left sitting at a table and they can do nothing but be tortured by the in ability to eat.

In heaven, things are similar…. People are sitting at a table amongst other; this table is covered in food, which they can eat until their hearts desire. These people’s arms are in the same casts as those individuals in hell. But these people instead of worrying about how to feed themselves they are feeding one another.

I was specky affected by this, Jody never got to eat, he never got to know the tastes and aromas of yummy delicious food….

But does that matter? No… I believe he is with someone who watched down from his or her heaven

*** Below written Sep. 16^th***

Things are CRAZY!!!

It feels like it’s been so long since I updated this!

What can I say, life is flying by… and I feel like am trailing behind. Its not often I speak of work, it’s kind of been my rule. Work is separate from everything entered in this blog. But sometimes trying to keep the two separate sends them colliding simultaneously. Work has been CRAZY! I have two busy seasons… September and again April-July.

So with that being said, we are trying to fit our social life between work and day-to-day life. But work out weights social and day-to-day life right now.

Generosity

It is rare I get to share the tremendous generosity that people possess in life, but I have a couple of examples. As of last night Team Jody was kicking some serious ass! (Sorry if I offended you. We are pretty excited about it!) We are trying to keep it that way!

Last night I sat down and wrote a message to every person who donated to a walker on the team. Someone might as why? Because as I sat there and wrote about their kindness and generosity I tried to hold back the tears. Obviously no one received a tear soaked email, but we should not be walking in honor of Jody. We should be smothering the little guy in kisses…

Okay sorry for digressing… I was talking about generosity, first every person that took the time to donate. It does not seem like a lot, but often times I tell myself “I’m going to do it later.” Well, truth be told I rarely ever get back to it! Last weekend a very humble, kind, generous friend of ours who will remain nameless (Becky J) held a garage sale, she raised $500. It not just about the $$$$ it about her time, energy and everything she put into the sale. If you have had one, you know it’s a real pain to do… Plus you can do nothing but sit there and wait for people to purchase your “treasures”!

There is more

We always talk about sharing Jody’s story. But we had the opportunity to share it with every person that got the Arizona Republic over Labor Day. I am linking the article below… We would love to know what you think.

http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/arizonaliving/articles/2009/09/06/20090906friends0906.html

You can email us your thoughts and comments to jodysangelwings@aol.com

Those days

Lately we have had a number of those days… How can I describe them? Shitty… You get out of bed feeling like your being pulled under. Your emotions are heightened, every time you talk to someone you feel like balling your eyes out. It is the day you wake up KNOWING you should turn your groggy butt around and crawl back into bed.

It’s like waking up on Friday the 13^th (even though I think their lucky days!) thinking what the heck is going to happen today. Situations that arise are handled differently and maybe I should just stop by saying they ROYALY STINK.

When we have those days we just want to be cocooned in your comfort zone.

*** Written Sep. 29^th***

I have refused myself the right to go back and read that post. Because, quite frankly I have too many unfinished posts and I have GOT to break a bad habit.

I am sitting on a plane heading home from DC thinking of all the things I must do

1.     take a shower… yup I STINK!

2.     Hug my husband and kids tell them I love and cherish them.

3.     Send out a one last message before the garage sale kind of a “last call”.

4.     Scratch Joey and Jennifer’s back when I tuck them in…

5.     Enjoy a night cap with Joe, in the comfort of our own home.

Those are the easy things, the difficult thing… I have to look at my husband and explain that throughout my meeting I was filled with “those days.” Those days were exaggerated by exhaustion… but all in all there is no excuse for me to explode on him. A bereavement counselor recently told me you hit bottom again at 6 months. I would like to raise my hand to say "here", I have hit that point… please pick me up off the ground.

Daddy please don’t look so sad, Mama please don’t cry

Im in the arms of angels and they sing me lullabies.

Please try not to question God, don’t think his is unkind

Don’t think he sent me to you and then he changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child and I’m needed up above

I’m a special gift you gave him, a product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night,

Find the brightest star that’s gleaming, that’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You will see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.

That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain .

When you feel a little breeze from the gentle wind that blows,

That’s me, I’ll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,

That’s me, I’ll be there giving your heart a hug.

Today its been 5 months since we said goodbye.

So mama please don’t look so sad, Daddy don’t you cry.

Im in the arms of angels and they sing me lullabies.

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"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."

Loving you today and always,

Mommy and Daddy

* written Thursday, September 2nd

A term we learned while we were pregnant. I believe it was 2 weeks after we learned Jody’s condition was in fact fatal. We have adopted this term thanks to Dr. Wolfson, he told us we are learning a lesson that few people in life get to learn. Jody’s diagnosis “is what it is”; we could do nothing to alter the outcome. None of our actions after finding out could have saved him.

Today, I got a treat. We went to the nail salon for a little bit of pampering. When I walked in I picked up AZ  ???... Just because I saw Karina’s name on it, so I thought what the heck. I sat reading the story about the AZ family who had their home done by Extreme Home Makeover, I read about Dean Martin’s experience losing his son. But not just his son his life partner, his best friend and is world, he not only lost his one and only son, but his beautiful wife.

The last page was Karina’s (the reporter that wrote Jody’s story) article. It made me laugh; she’s a great writer with a talent to make me smile.

All right… the real story. I was done, just waiting for my nails to dry. I had been talking to the technician about Jody. I am sure a pretty standard question is “how many kids do you have?” My response is not meant to make anyone feel awkward; it’s just to simply say, “I have three beautiful children… Jennifer…. Joey… and our son Jody. He is our angel born in April.”

While waiting Joe came in… Obviously loud, asking for a wife and if they might have any available.  Then in the same breath asking me for my phone number! (That’s my Joe) A nice woman turned around and asked me “Is he talking to you?” Her name is Marcella (sorry if I have misspelled it), I first asked her about her nails. Had a good laugh about Karina’s article I had just read. But felt compelled to tell her why I picked up that magazine. While Karina is a very talented writer, she is rather close to our hearts. She sat in our family room with us for 2.5 hours talking about Jody. She cared, she wrote and we can’t wait to see the article. Even more important then Karina’s ability to put pen to paper is the fact that we are so PROUD of Jody. She is helping us share.

I told Marcella about Karina and the article that will be out this Sunday. While Marcella will be out of the country, we shared our story with her, our many blessings, and our severally broken heart. As she was about to get up to wash her hands (after the tears were flowing) she said she wanted to share something with us.

Marcella had had a difficult day… she had hit a few bumps in the road. But it had altered her perspective (she was a little unhappy). She came back after washing her hands and she said to us something like “There is a reason I met you two today. You helped me put my problems into perspective,” (Yes, I am add libbing) She told us her problems were pretty simple. As we shared Jody’s story with her, her reaction was warm, kind and truly caring. We gave her the blog address, our names, Jody’s name and of course the link to Team Jody.

As we were parting ways Joe and I were standing just ending the conversation and she nailed us. She told me and I can’t quote it but she said…. I have a sense of peace, and then she looked at Joe and said there was something about him… He has a glow to him, she is right. There is a sense of peace and positivity when we get to share Jody’s story.

This stranger, Marcella, affected us. She cared and though she did not know us she in some why comforted us.

{Marcella, Thank you for your kindness. Simple acts make such an impact. My mother-in-law, Kathy, reminds us often sometimes when people are edgy, or short you don’t know what’s happened in their day or what’s happening in their lives. With that lesson we try to keep that in perspective. Though your day was not so great, you were so incredible to us. We do hope that you will walk with us on Team Jody; we would be privileged if you were able walk with us in honor of our son.

Sincere Thanks,

Carla (and Joe too!)

P.S. Sorry if I did not quote everything 100% you can correct me anytime!}

One more thing, yesterday when we got home. Joe pulled into the garage. He had a package; I’m as bad as a kid when it comes to getting mail! The box included a simple card that stated “Dear Joe and Carla, We remember Jody Michael, Love Mr. and Mrs. K”

It also included a beautiful remembrance statue; we have placed her with our angel statues. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. My huge fear is that people will forget him because he is not here.

The title… “It is what it is” applies to so much of our lives right now. We continue to make it through each day hopeful and blessed. People around us add to our many blessing, add smile and laughs. Also, we learn, Jody has not been forgotten and we will keep sharing him.

So often we have walked through life with a naïve outlook. We definitely have, but in life you would think I would have learned my lesson. My mom always told me that I was naïve, but really lets think about it what happens when you are a teenager? Your best friend steals your boyfriend… Or your favorite pair of Guess jeans that makes your butt look fantastic…. Better yet what about the “friend” in the back seat you over hear talking about you. Sure those are just all superficial examples (all of those have happened to my by the way and my butt did look great in those Guess jeans!!!).

It is fine to give people the benefit of the doubt or see the good in people, defend those people in your life that continuously show you they are not quite the quality of person you are holding out hope they would be. But quite frankly, you end up walking through life and learning lessons about people, places and most of all your actions.

You take things for granted, I mean my mom was pregnant 4 times and has 4 kids. Joe’s mom 5 times and has 5 kids. Who the hell knew this would happen? Not us who figured we would get pregnant for the 3^rd time and have a 3^rd child. Somewhere I am being laughed at. I’m still naïve… I will always be, I will always believe in people more then I should (this makes me a good person, but causes a lot of heartache), I will always believe in the blessings of love, life and family. But most importantly I believe that I will be with Jody one day.

Someone told me once our talking about Jody might get tiresome for people. But when  your children are with you day to day, then you can talk about the outlandish things they do and how insane they make you. Our insanity is different, we will never look back and laugh, we will look back and cry or wish for something different. It won’t change.

For many of those that know me I can admit I am a little addicted to facebook. I was just talking to our friend Sandy and I told her “I may have to join FBA, Facebook Anonymous” Yes addicted. But also we have connected with so many people. So many loving individuals that sooth our souls and have taught us many things. Today I was on there reading status updates I read something from Zoe (a loving lady “across the pond”) who has lost two beautiful babies within a year, Ronnie at 21 weeks because of Potters and Isabel for no know reason. Her status update read:

“the mention of my babies names may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you truly are my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of their names, it soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul”

She is so correct… We love to talk about Jody. Often times I stop myself thinking that I might make someone uncomfortable, I might breakdown. Perfect example… last night the wind picked up and we were sitting in the family room. The beautiful chimes that Brandy and Trevor got us started going. I just wanted to call them and say “THANK YOU” I know I already did. But something so small brings us such happiness. Those chimes bring us such happiness, sometimes its silly to think about.

We have not been so great about posting… Sorry. Joe and I often are writing at the same time (communication I know!) and to revisit an already written post is really a pain in the butt.

Thank you so much for all the messages. I have gone back and forth for several months trying to figure out a way to get a more “user” friendly blog. So continue to write to us… we will continue to respond. Email us at jodysangelwings@aol.com

For everyone that went out and purchased the Arizona Republic last week we are so sorry. Its funny, one of Joe’s clients called him on Monday to ask about it, Joe so politely informed her the article was postponed. Her response was quite fitting…. She said “Well no shit” I had a little laugh! I love bluntness! The article will be in the paper this SUNDAY! The Arizona Living section... If you know what we look like, I believe you will see out faces on the front page... we are so happy to share it with friends that will be in town.

Just one more thing… For those of you who do have a blog with a counter, could you please send us a link to one that does not crap out once a week? It would be ever so helpful! I just figured out how to put a counter on a couple of weeks ago, I know I am so living in the Stone Age. But can’t seem to find one that really works.

We have heard over and over again how difficult it is to contact us. Even to send an email you have to register with Vox.

So we debated on changing blog services, buying a domain, all sorts of options. While we agree it’s difficult we came up with a plan.

Contact us… via email at jodysangelwings@aol.com

Don’t hesitate to send us a message, we love to hear from you.

Now we are going to continue our journey, learning to live and share our life experiences with others. Through people that read our posts we are blessed in more ways then just one. You help us walk a path we so wish we knew nothing about. But we are bound by love, faith and loss… we will continue to share.

Another milestone we wish we never came to arrived Monday. Jody would be 4 months old. Sometimes I feel as though we dwell on the obvious. Do you know what that would be? Jody died. You can look at me and think to yourself yes I know. But the truth is we knew it would be hard, we never imagined it would be this difficult and painful.

So many days we find ourselves enveloped in sadness, I guess you could say an "ongoing funk". Maybe the milestones drive home the point. I look at babies of those around us and they do not invoke a feeling of loss. I guess you would think that as a couple who have lost a child, other children would serve as a reminder. For us, we are so thankful for the babies around us, we get to see the love for those little ones. Does that make sense? Maybe it doesn’t.

I think of Jennifer and Joey when they were 4 months, sometimes we have to dig deep. Because I have taken for granted those milestones our kids have met. I go back and look at pictures; I realize what landmarks they set. By this age Jennifer was smiling, Joey had found his laugh, both were cooing and had found their voices. More important, by 4 months old they had felt the warm sun on their skin, the wind blowing their hair, they had spent time laying on our chests sleeping listening to our heart beats. Some of the so very basic things in life our angel Jody never had the chance to enjoy. Thinking back they knew who we were, our kids by four months recognized who we were.

That takes me to the Eric Clapton song that we've recently listened to named "Tears in Heaven". This use to be a song that we would merely sing along to in the car or at home.  Now, we can tell you this song has oh so much of a different impact on us. The question stands, it is always defined by belief, but what happens after one passes? Maybe someone who has lived a full life would know those whom they loved their entire life's when they join the ranks of Angels. But would Jody know me, his dad, sister and brother? As Eric Clapton says in his song and both Joe and I have thought, "Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven" 

Over the last 6 months I know we have distanced ourselves from some people, in a sense we have also brought them closer though.  I guess that is a double sided statement.

We have many things to look forward to in life, one very important on is watching our kids grow. Another would be watching our friendships with friends new and old evolve.

This week many things have made my heart heavy, its been nice to share just one of those. Over the weekend I finally had the opportunity to talk to Jody Abernathy, I have mentioned her in my previous entries. Friday is Angel Grant’s one year Angel~Versery or Heavenly Birthday, she described her feelings so well. She said” This pain they call "grief" can be extremely overwhelming at times.. I could describe it in many ways- the way you feel when you stand in the ocean and the waves come crashing down on you”

It’s strange, that’s what our 4 month milestone made us feel like. Again, we were knocked on our asses. We humbly asked for the grief to subside, to give us time to heal a little bit more. Yesterday (Monday) we were having family day, Joey was sitting with me on the couch, Jennifer with Joe as we watched a family show. Out of no where Joey said “I want my Jody to come home.” Each time this happens its as though someone just reached through and PULLS on my heart strings. Before we could say anything, he asked to pray. What the heck right, so we paused the TV to pray with precious Joey. I suggested he start, he requested I do. So “Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of today.” Was as far as I got… “Could you please let Jody come home, Amen” piped in Joey. Therefore our prayer was “Please kiss our angel Jody for us, let him know how much he is loved this side of heaven.”

This side of heaven, I like the saying. So while us, and others like us, wait to be on the other side of Heaven, we hope our hearts heal. 

With the love and continued support of our friends and family, we know that our hearts will heal.  Will we ever stop talking or sharing Jody? probably never.  He is and always will be our little boy, who just also happens to be an angel!!

In the meantime we know, Jody was gifted to us for an hour. Then he was ushered home, without a doubt by a band of the gentlest and most powerful angels.

His life may have been short in terms of minutes, but it was mighty. This knowledge will carry us through.

Jody black and white

This has quickly become one of my favorite pictures of Jody. Really they all are, what can I say? I love his profile he was just so beautiful, perfect from the outside. In so little time this little boy stole my heart, I question if I ever want my heart to change. Through sorrow we find love, through love we find healing.

~ written Tuedsay, August 11th  

Wow, I am here giving myself a pat on the back… in my head screaming “Kudos to you, Carla!!!”

Sometimes since Jody’s arrival we find ourselves in situations, alright what the hell; it’s not really a situation but a conversation. While I was pregnant we were a tad bit reclusive (I’m just being honest here) I think we took a defensive stance, were stayed in our “safety zone”.

We have not talked to all of our friends, acquaintances and clients, not all of them know. Or those that do know have not talked to us since Jody was born and we talk about our son. I have always said I can avoid a breakdown if I talk about the facts; quite frankly we no longer have statistics or anything that can be black and white. We share feelings which make it so much more difficult to maintain composure.

On occasion we can make a conscious effort to pull back… our neatly placed sandbags hold the flood back. Hints the title Pull up on the throttle!

Today, I called an old co-worker let’s call her “Carol’ ;)… She knew about Jody and followed him through the blog. Sometimes I can’t talk about Jody without turning into a blubbering mess, but today I did it! Many times my eyes filled with tears, you know the ones when you swallow the back of your throat feels like its covered in nails. Especially when she asked me “Now did you know I had lost a daughter?” Once she said that, I did remember but not before. Her daughter had a heart condition and passed a month after she was born. This is a woman who has a daughter older then me, grandkids, the whole gamut.  

When Carol was telling me about her daughter I do believe her voice cracked, I think she pulled back. Not that I would ever ask… I have to believe the pain never goes away.

In the same conversation she told me about baby Max. Generally, I would write to tell you about someone that I have learned about but WOW! Max’s mom and dad are awaiting his arrival, they are from Chandler, but are in Florida where their son will be born on Monday!!! They found out at 17 weeks he had Congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH). Basically his little organs have migrated into his chest. I read her blog… http://www.clairegriffinsblog.blogspot.com/ she is documenting their journey.  Maybe I was more compelled to read considering Max will arrive on Jody’s 4 month Angel~Versery… We will never know though.

A couple of little updates and then I will be on my marry way…

Team Jody…

Let me tell you… WE ARE ROCKIN’ IT!!!!

We now have 5 “people” signed up, but 8 walkers. We are so happy to say that our walkers are

v  Myself

v  Joe

v  Brian & Janice Baca

v  Joe & Kathy Terian

v  Debbie & Mitch Mann

Plus, Team Jody is #1 in the state of AZ… Our cup over-flowith. Make sure to keep your eye on us, you can do it by visiting http://www.pkdcure.org/teamjody. We would love for people to walk with us so join the team by clicking the icon under Jody’s precious little face.

LIFE...

For the most part life is good. We have had an amazing summer filled with wonderful friends, family and fun. One thing we always say and it’s so sad “If Jody were here we wouldn’t be doing this”

That statement is correct for the most part. I would trade our social calendar for Jody any day.  

Anyway, Joe mentioned our “Jody Cruise” we hit 3 islands in the Bahamas and turned around to head back. I would share pictures, but well, we got no good pictures except for the ocean… Paradise!

Then we had our couples overnight trip… 7 couples went to stay at a resort here in town. No kids just not so grown-up grown-ups… We had a fabulous time… No pictures to share because well what if all of our friends don’t want their face plastered all over the blog… (I’ll see what I can do this might be better then facebook!!)

We have had some fun outings with the kids… Here are some pictures of them at the splash pad having a blast…

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Joey got to start a new school… We think he is liking it. But the jury is out.

Jennifer… well this summer she developed the attitude of a 16 year-old. But has been beautiful doing it. She had a chance to go to Buffalo for an 8-day trip to see all the family there. And she stared in our community open house with the gals from dance.

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Then just to round off the pictures… Here is one of Joey and I…

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Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.